Finding myself in the chaos

We’re nearing the end of September, which has been a pretty busy month for me. I’ve started a master’s program at the university, joined a book club, had four guitar lessons and challenged myself almost every single day. I can honestly say that I am very proud of myself. By turning fears into challenges, I have realised that many things aren’t so scary after all: I’ve been to school, talked in groups, been to the first business meetings of my life, made a scary phone call, handled stress without freaking out, let go of my need for control, spent several nights alone, done spontaneous things and made four new friends. And that’s just some of the things. As a finale, I registered my own company tonight. Within a year, when my studies are finished, I will have to fend for myself. But I know I can do it. It may sound like a cliché, but I think I’m starting to find myself – for real. Since I got out of my teenage depression, I’ve kind of just adapted to the life of my boyfriend. I’ve had my own interests and my guitar and my school, sure, but I’ve relied too much on his choices, his happiness, his social life. Our friends have been his friends and our weekend plans have been his plans. I didn’t fully realise until I started this project that I spent all my time trying to please someone else instead of doing what I wanted. And actually that just resulted in my boyfriend feeling rather unpleased, since I forgot my own will, forgot to make my own plans and made him feel trapped in a silly attempt to be a perfect girlfriend. But it’s all changing now. I’m creating my own life, and I feel more independent than ever.

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2 Comments

Filed under Challenge, Confidence, Fear, Independence, Miranda, Personal development, Relationships

2 responses to “Finding myself in the chaos

  1. So moved by your experiences and the way you share them! You’re doing a wondful job taking such good care of yourself – the way no-one else can. And this is just the beginning… No doubts what so ever that you can go whereever you want from here!

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